Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Pursuit of God

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me."
Proverbs 8:17

I was talking to my sister the other day. She had texted and asked me if I had the time to wax her eyebrows. Of course, I will take any excuse to see my sisters so I happily agreed to: A)inflict pain and to B) get to see her.

She was about to leave her house when she said, "I hope you don't mind, I didn't get to shower today yet." As a new mom, this made me grin, because I had to think for a second when it was that I also have showered. My reply, "No problem! Me either!" But what she said next was what got to me, "Taking a shower is like my own little vacation."

Let me tell you all what my shower is like, because they are anything BUT my own little vacation. They usually always begin with my 5 year-old coming in first, to ask if she can have a fruit snack (at 6 A.M.).

"No," I reply.
"But why?" she whines.
"Because it's too early for sugar" I offer in a tired, groggy state.
"Can I have marshmallows?" She wont relent.
"Nooooooooo." I respond again.
"Why noooot?" she groans back.
"Sugar honey, marshmallows are sugar!" I respond as I fish soap out of my newly agitated eye.
"Well, fine! I will have a banana," She suggests.
"You can't, they are gone." I now have felt all the hot steamy air has been sucked from the room and am now grumpy. "Have an apple while you wait, I will come make you breakfast when I am DONE in HERE!" At this point she does something only teenagers are said to do and huffs off to her apple.

After I jump out into the freezing cold bathroom, slam the door, and jump back in to the hot shower, I only begin to think about how I am going to teach thankfulness for an apple that starving African children do not get to eat when my two year old pops in to mimic big sister.

"MAMA! DOING??" As she whips the curtain open, allowing the cold air to consume me.
"Showering," I respond, now frustrated.
"Eat." She kind of asks, kind of states. 
"Yeah, yeah, mommy will make you something when I am out." I respond again.
"Apple like sissy?" She excitedly asks.
"Yeeeees, go have an apple." I just want to shower!

I hear her diaper swish-swash out of the room and think, finally, just finally, I am alone. The door might be open, but so what, I just need to hurry to obviously save my family from an early morning famine. Hear me out here, I am anything but a morning person. I am now in a spot of severe agitation, thankful that my husband at least has my infant under control, and my negative, complaining heart takes off... "He can't even let me take a five minute shower! I can't even..." And it is at that point where I hear a snorting, licking, slurping, wiggle-wiggle of a 50 pound golden doodle trying to jump in to get a good ol' swim while he has a fair shot. "TOBY! OUT! GET OUT! JOHN! GET THE DOG!" Of course, the door was open, why wouldn't the dog take his chance? The wet, long haired, miniature horse goes trampling out, sliding all over the newly soaked floor, leaving behind his wet dog smell and nervous doggy piddles for me to add to my list of "things to do today." Gosh, ya'll, mommy just wants to get the shampoo out of her hair, "I won't even wash my face, just let me..."

"Honey?" a seductive, manly voice comes from the door, setting down a cup of coffee.
"No, John, no. Go. Let me shower. Just go." At this point, I am now bashing my head into the side of the tub over and over.
"But I just wanted to bring you your coffee and (insert slide of a shower curtain here) say good morning to my beautiful bride (insert some sort of attempt to continue in sensuality here)."

This is when we begin to half fight, half talk about considering feeding the starving children in the living room, firmly debating selling the dog, and closing out with yelling about what we are going to do today all at once, before the situation erupts into anything BUT "my own little vacation."

Left alone to try to collect myself, dry off, and regain composure before venturing off to apologize, I wonder, what if we pursued God the way our families pursue moms who simply want to shower? Jerimiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I start to feel guilty. My family seeks me and finds me, no matter where I am, because they trust me to respond, take care of them, and to listen to their concern. They approach me as their care taker to save them from this horrible situation they are faced with. So what if the problem is they simply cannot reach their breakfast, they trust me to hear them and then provide for them. They are relentless in their attempt to sway my decision or at least know why my answer was no.

What if we were in a constant pursuit of God like that? What if we always wanted to communicate with God, know his thoughts, to ask him questions, to visit, no matter what the situation was? God wants us to seek him like that, he says, "Knock, I will answer, seek, you will find!" (Luke 11:9-10) I bet, being that he is way more patient that I am pre-coffee and post a patchy night sleep with an infant, that he strongly wishes people would search for him like that.

You know, the thought of having that "faith like a child" gets to me here, in this stage of motherhood. My toddlers need me now. If I leave the room, I have clearly abandoned them. When I am cooking, I clearly don't notice them unless they are walking on my feet. If I am on the phone, they have something extremely urgent and important to say. Let me say, every day, it gets so exhausting. However, every night, or in the early morning hours of feeding, I think, "Someday, they will be teenagers." That means they won't want to go on every single shopping trip with their lame mom in her lame mom car. They won't care about what is for breakfast because they won't be out of bed until lunch. Chances are, I could possibly die and have it take a few days for them to realize I have gone. 

I wonder, in my own life, if I treat my heavenly father the same way some teenagers treat their parents. "God, I really need this, so if you would kindly send some money," "God, I don't like this situation, change it," "God, I know we haven't talked in a while but..." I often wonder even now, if God gets the best of me, or if he gets me when I have to admit that I cannot do it on my own like I have been trying so hard to do all along. I wonder if God shakes his head when I finally get free time and I choose to search Pinterest for new ways to measure up to the new standard of mommy-hood. Maybe God really just wants me to rest in His perfection instead. To open his word and seek him in the pages. To pray to him about how bad I just want to shower in peace, learn about what respecting my husband really means, or for that persecuted Christian a world away.

Lord, let this be me. Search me and know me, clear out my busy and have me seek you like my kids and husband seek me. God you love us moms in all our glamor and even in our, well, not so glamorous moments. Thank you for your grace and margins. Please help me learn to seek you in all and any circumstances, for any reason. Help me to bask in your approachable love, forgiveness, and refreshing breath of hope and peace in a world filled with chaos. Help me to trust you with my life like my children trust me with theirs. Even more-so, help me to lead them to you, to trust you like that too.

Oh yeah, and Lord:
Please, please, pleeeease, let that rattily old lock on the door work next time I take a shower.

1 comment :

Anonymous said...

Great post, Kirsten! I appreciate your humor, honesty, and transparency that help all of use realize how much more dedicated we ought to be in our pursuit of God.

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